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waking up an old account [14 Apr 2008|01:27pm]
Shirley Manson has revealed that her solo-record has been deemed too "noir" to be released by her label, Warner Bros. Records. I have started a petition today to propose to Warner Bros. Records. And I need your help. Just go here and sign it, that's all it takes, and PLEASE HELP ME PASS THIS ALONG.


Shirley Manson/Garbage fans need to mobilize. Immediately.


GO HERE.

COPY AND PASTE:

http://www.gopetition.com/online/18482.html
infiltrate my skull

in places of despair [20 Jan 2007|09:21am]
To understand Robert Bresson's Mouchette is to know what utter despair feels like. Though not as metaphysical as Au Hasard Balthazar, Bresson has a gift with his filmmaking in that he has the ability to say so little verbally through his characters and make an unfumbling grab for your neck to tell you that this is the world, this is life!

No one knows because no one can sit through movies like this anymore, but though films like this are very of their time, their messages of human suffering transcend all time. Ultimately when we get to an era of post-post-posts and we're in space suits and bubble cars like the Jetsons, we'll still be looking for the things Mouchette was looking for, for what Tina Huxley rambled about in Waking Life, for the things all of the emotionally handicapped characters in Shortbus were looking for, for everything you and I are looking for today: acceptance and connection.

Also, like most of his films, Bresson seemingly wants you to "feel" rather than to get "get" his point. His sparse camera work will be lost on anyone that doesn't focus hard as he is subtle in his detailed storytelling. But he very much chose everything that was (or wasn't) included in his frame.

I remember that a year ago (maybe two now?), this film was in Time Magazine 100 Greatest Films of all time. I was a little annoyed that Au Hasard Balthazar wasn't included (I know, what the hell do lists matter?), but I hadn't even seen Mouchette yet except for the interploited clips in The Dreamers, and clearly I didn't get it. I kind of understand now what he was trying to achieve making these two films back to back and I've chosen to forgive Time.

To borrow a phrasing from Karen Walker, Mouchette hurts like a hangover. Its not that it resonated with me as I saw it two nights ago, but I woke up this morning and for no reason I kind of ached and all I could think about was Mouchette, profoundly fractured and desperate.
infiltrate my skull

i'll kiss you again, between the bars. [22 Dec 2006|12:51pm]
Lately, I've been forcing myself to write daily. I remember in high school, Mrs. Holt made us have a mandatory 10 minute journal time because even if we felt we had nothing to say, we would force ourselves to write something, and for me, that usually, though not always, inspired me to write things which at first glance were trite and trivial about myself. But over the years of writing, I've faithfully kept a paper journal through periods of great inspiration and months of nothing, and I realize that rereading those helps me better understand a bit of who I am and where I came from. Its funny how we as humans forget so much that happens to us in our day to day lives that really do shape who we are and how and why we are.

I have a recurring theme in writing about myself that isn't a shock to me. While I'm not a total brick wall, I've always kept people at a distance. Its cliche because I know why I'm like this, but like my battle with my smoking habits (quitting one year, starting the next, repeat cycle), I can't get out of it. There are decisions that we instinctively make to protect ourselves sometimes from what we fear and what we anticipate we're going to fear. And thusly, I feel like I haven't been in love for about five years. And I feel like an ant, like I never wanted to. Bumping around into people, never making any real human connections outside of those necessary to function as a seemingly socially normal individual.

Not to downplay my relationships. I have incredible friends and family that I truly feel love me unconditionally and the feeling is mutual. But I mean, I hurt people and I'm sensitive and aware enough to realize when I'm doing it, yet too chickenshit to acknowledge when I'm doing it. Its a passive-agressive cycle. Everything goes in circles with me.

Sometimes I think I should go to therapy to work out what's going on in my head. I don't know if it would help, but maybe it would. I'm not totally fucked up, but I feel like I could grow as a person if I could learn how to give of myself in a way that isn't so mechanical.

Whatever the case, I'm proud of what I've been forcing myself to write lately. I feel like its more cohesive than anything I've written before, fragments and thoughts molded into a story about my life this far that flows like a book. I hope I can maintain it, I hope I can learn more about myself from the things I write.

This year, in the cold, in New York, in no one's company but my own, I realize fully now the importance of the relationships I create and maintain, I realize the importance of family and tradition and holidays, I realize that I am such an imperfect creature. And I realize the importance of really sad songs.
infiltrate my skull

music, my observations, blackjack style, 2006 [17 Dec 2006|07:32pm]
21. Half the Perfect World, Madeleine Peyroux
20. Comfort of Strangers, Beth Orton
19. The Duper Sessions, Sondre Lerche and The Faces Down Quartet
18. Without Feathers, The Stills
17. Bande a Parte, Nouvelle Vague
16. The Peel Sessions, PJ Harvey
15. The Life Pursuit, Belle and Sebastian
14. Dreamt For Light Years in the Belly of a Mountain, Sparklehorse
13. Eye to the Telescope, KT Tunstall
12. The Crane Wife, The Decemberists
11. The Back Room, The Editors
10. She Traded Her Leg, Jeffrey Bützer
9. Classics, Ratatat
8. Fox Confessor Brings the Flood, Neko Case
7. The Eraser, Thom Yorke
6. The Greatest, Cat Power
5. Show Your Bones, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
4. Gulag Orkestar, Beirut
3. Pieces of the People We Love, The Rapture
2. Shortbus Soundtrack, Various Artists
1. Knives Don't Have Your Back, Emily Haines


Absolute favorite songs of the year: "Soda Shop" & "Lower My Gun" by Jay Brannan, "Winter Tour" by Britta Persson, "Postcards from Italy" by Beirut, "Nothing and Nowhere" & "Winning" by Emily Haines, "The Sweets" by YYY, "Halo the Harpoons" & "Helicopters" by The Stills, "Satin Chic" & "Boys Will Be Boys" by Goldfrapp, "The Rejection" by Dangerous Muse.

Hands Down Best Cover of the Year: "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" by Emily Haines and James Shaw

Biggest Fucking Joke of 2006: Gwen Stefani

Favorite Concerts: Fiona Apple at HoB San Diego, Jay Brannan at Ars Nova, Emily Haines at Joe's Pub, Metric at HoB San Diego, The Stills at the Bowery (2nd night).

Biggest Miss: Why haven't I listened to the latest Tom Waits yet??? Perhaps someone will buy the hefty collection for me for Christmas... Also, the MSTRKRFT album wasn't so good.

Also, though I haven't heard the Mirah one, I expect disappoinment, but with that and We Are Glitter, I wonder: why so many remix albums? The only AMAZING remix of the year was the MSTRKRFT remix of Metric's "Monster Hospital".
infiltrate my skull

on the fence together [17 Dec 2006|10:06am]
Most likely its because I'm not at home with my family, but it really, really doesn't feel like Christmas. I mean, my streets are all done up, I go into the city a lot these days and I see it, I feel it, but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me.

Also, I'm really slow and ridiculous about Christmas shopping this year. I've picked up some odds and ends here and there in the city but I mean, I did the bulk of my shopping on Amazon this morning. I even had the damn things wrapped. And I love wrapping. When did Christmas become such a chore? It makes me kind of sick.

Anyway, I am really glad I'm going home for Christmas. I miss my friends and family, I need a haircut desperately and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT for REAL MEXICAN FOOD. New York has every other food nailed, why not Mexican food proper? They have lots of Cal-Mex places but they just do not measure up at all. Ah well. Soon, soon! Also, though, I'm kind of terrified as I'm taking my little dog on the airplane with me and while I've gotten tranquilizers, I'm really, really worried about shoving her in a bag for 5 hours as she is really, really jumpy.

Other than that, New York life is just dandy. Went to see Jay Brannan at Ars Nova last night where he off-handedly, pre-second song, asked the audience if I was there. As I sheepishly responded, he told me that the next song was for me (its my favorite). Embarassing. Anyway, I love Jay and his music is so amazing beyond words. Also, where else IN THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD besides New York can you go and see a movie in the theater and become friends with perhaps the best actor in the damn thing and have songs dedicated to you during his shows in less than two months? Weird and painfully cool at the same time.

Oh! And I bumped into Molly Shannon while racing from the subway to the venue last night. God, I love this city.

Anyway, I feel as though I never update this, so an early Merry Christmas to you all from me. May you all have a wonderful time and may everyone buy you the Emily Haines record for Christmas.
infiltrate my skull

to begin again...from the begining [12 Dec 2006|08:41pm]
Oh years end! Introspection is in the air. Anderson Cooper once said that people, he believed, are ultimately optimistic by nature. He cited how we all watch the ball drop and how we all make plans to make next year better than the last. I agree. I feel like I've been dragged through the mud lately but I think we all survive and come out of it for a reason.

This has been an odd year for me. I'm in New York now and I'm a full-blown, bonafide adult, FINALLY, here at 23. Paying rent, paying bills, wandering around a city alone all of the time. Sleeping with strangers and waking up in god-knows-where-four-train-connections-from-my-apartment. Things have changed. I'm loosened my liberal grips around the homeless. I kind of hate the homeless now. I masturbate less. I get sick more.

Around this time of year, I always think of that scene in Waking Life where the two women are sitting and drinking coffee and talking, i just rewatched it and copied the dialogue cos its spoken to me since I've seen it:

"its such a strange paradox. i mean, while technically i'm closer to the end of my life than i've ever been and i actually feel more than ever that i have all the time in the world. when i was younger, there was a desperation, a desire for certainty like there was an end to the path and i had to get there...some day, like in my mid-thirties, maybe, everything is going to somehow just gel and settle ---just end. it was like there was this plateau and it was waiting for me. and i was climbing up it. and when i got to the top, all the growth and change would stop, even exhiliration."

I forget my age constantly. I hate feeling competitive with other people because I know I essentially don't care. And I'm tired of exhausting my thoughts with ideas that I'm not good enough to do something or be someone I want to be. I'm also tired of being lonely.

I don't know what will be next year. Fear and laziness are the worst ever and I feel like both pervade my life all the time, at every juncture. All I can say is I don't know where I'm going with this, in all certainty, and here's hoping for something more. Hoping for more energy and action, at least. Or at least energies redirected.
infiltrate my skull

i hope it isn't showing, but i think i love you. [03 Dec 2006|10:58am]
I have been hungover since Thanksgiving Day. Its already December 3rd.

Shelly came out Thanksgiving night and I had a wonderful week with her. Did lots of New Yorky things. Saw the tree, Central Park, all of my favorite neighborhoods, rode the Staten Island ferry, saw Conan O'Brien, saw Shortbus again, drank and fucking drank some more. My brother also came out last weekend which was really nice. And then Joanna was out here until yesterday. There wasn't a single night I didn't drink. And some of those nights, I was throwing up like crazy.

Kaitlin finally came home the other night and we went to the first night of Unisexxx Salon at the Delancey. It was really weird and really fun. There were midgets and fat, s&m clad girls on the bar dancing to Kylie Minogue and the like. Saw Mr. Jay Brannan there, though, where I proceeded to insult him a bit. He's such a sociophobe, its kind of silly that he's becoming such a public figure. He's like the new gay Cat Power. Regardless, we're returning to Unisexxx next week to see John Cameron Mitchell and PJ DeBoy DJ. CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.

Last night I was out until 4am. The Stills played the Bowery two nights in a row and they guestlisted me for both of them. Both shows were as always fun and amazing. There were lots of hugs and drinks and conversations to be had. I just found out they're going to be releasing "Helicopters" as a final single off the record which is nice because I don't think a Tim song has ever been released as a single. Met Dave's girlfriend and had a good chat with her and Kaitlin. She's beautiful and they make one smart couple. Timmay played host to me and brought me beer. We talked about Turkey (the country) and music and a little about movies amongst other things. Wound up crusing over to Lit Lounge with them where the beer was free and smoking was okay inside. Got to go in the little VIP cave in the back where it was ridiculously tiny and ridiculously fun.

Today I'm going to take it easy for the first time in weeks. Maybe brunch. Maybe walking around alone, seeing Volver if I can this afternoon and some light laundry and apartment cleaning. To compound all of the effects of the lack of sleep and drinking, I'm on this medication for my leg that makes me dizzy and turns my pee orange. I need some rest. Definitely Arrested Development. Definitely more napping. Definitely time to detox.
infiltrate my skull

toothless dentists, cops that kill. [13 Nov 2006|07:06pm]
New York has been good to me this week.

Its cold and rainy and I love it. Work has been good, I roll with things now.

I don't know where I'm going still, but things seem a little clearer. It looks like I'm going to start film school in March. It looks like I may be not working at all through the course of that. That's a really frightening thought to me. I've worked since I was 16. I don't want to say it gives me a sense of self-worth, but I do love what I do, and I'm happy when I'm busy. Passions will shift, like all else in time. I'm secure feeling about it, but that doesn't stop me from feeling sickeningly nervous.

Yesterday was great. After taking my little girl to the vet, I went to one of my co-worker's plays at Pace University. They did Urinetown, which was a really silly, fun musical. I hadn't seen a play in a while, and I don't know that I've ever seen a college performance. It was great, though, I needed it. Also, I barely know her, as I just hired her recently, but she has such an amazing talent, its unbearable. It was also the first time I went out with a friend I've made in New York, my Assistant, Eric.

I came back to Brooklyn after that and rested before I went back into the city to catch Jay Brannan play in the city. Jay was in the film Shortbus and he did a song that I fell in love with called "Soda Shop". Anyway, I found as I was getting directions that he was playing a small gay lounge in Chelsea called Barracuda. I brought Kaitlin with me and as we got there, we went and noticed the person on the stage wasn't him, so we turned back out to get drinks and I slam my face into this guy's shoulder but kept moving because it was crowded and I turned to see if Kaitlin was behind me and I realized the guy I slammed into was actually Jay, as he was turned back now staring at me.

We went and got some cocktails and I was kind of embarassed, but then when I went to check the stage again, he had come over to Kaitlin to talk to her and then he introduced himself to me. We chatted a bit but these gay guys all kept coming up to him and he came over and kept telling us thanks for coming and that he was sorry he kept getting interrupted when he talked to us. Had more drinks and realized he was finally playing and he was so so good and so funny. Really, he's on MySpace, everyone should check him out, he's so good, his lyrics are great and I love his voice.

Afterward, I was waiting for Kaitlin to go to the bathroom and he came up to me again, but people kept bugging him, so we went and got food since Kait was starving and came back for more drinks after. Bumped into him again, and before the show, I asked him if he was nervous and he said "of course" and when I bumped into him again, I told him that he clearly had nothing to be nervous about and he grabbed me by the side of my stomach and told me I was cute. Hah. We chatted for a bit longer than he left. He told me I needed to come to see him next month, though. I definitely will, he's really, really wonderful.

Got home and got a message from Liam, I am definitely guest-listed for the Stills shows coming up, I'm really excited.


I'm spending tonight in. I'm so wiped out from no sleep and vodka tonics. Tonight will be TV and chocolate Bobka that Kaitlin picked up for me today with my cute little dog who won't stop kissing me. Things are good, which is nice, because Brooklyn, I feel, has been testing me with hard days since the week I got here.
infiltrate my skull

people are fragile things, you should know by now. [28 Oct 2006|05:01pm]
I am so incredibly bored. I don't know how this is possible.

Kaitlin is in San Diego for the weekend and I'm all alone, save the dog. I still don't have many friends out here save people from work, who I don't want to hang out with outside of work, really. Barbara from my old store is in town visiting and I was supposed to get brunch with her but that didn't pan out. I decided to go into the city to catch Marie Antoinette, but for the second time, it was sold out when I tried to see it. That would've been fine but it started to pour harder than I've seen it pour in a long time. I was so soaked, I decided to just come home. Trips into the city are sometimes a bust.

Lately, my life seems filled with empty gaps of time lost. Like, I go into my room and come out three hours later and I can't tell you that I did a thing I might have done. And I've been eating lots of cold take-out. Today's lunch menu: cold samosas and saag aloo. I don't think you're supposed to eat these things cold but we need to buy a microwave as a toaster oven isn't very condusive to warming left-overs.


Has anyone seen the new wave of Truth commercials? They're really starting to hurt me as I've been smoking again lately and those cowboys singing in the street with the holes in their throats really freak me out. When you get older and develop addictions, I guess they always haunt you. I feel kind of defeated after not smoking for a year and some change. I feel like I'm back at square one.

Anyway, these musings ain't going anywhere, but now I at least have a log that I did do something today.
2 loaded phrases| infiltrate my skull

trying to break your click-track heart [22 Oct 2006|09:20am]
Its been a while.

New York really keeps me busy. When I'm not busy, I'm knackered beyond all belief. Yesterday I opened my store and was home by 3. I came home and napped and watched movies and pretty much did absolutely nothing. It felt really wasteful since today was a day off and I could've gone somewhere, but oh well.

I saw the movie Shortbus the other day. Its such a phenomenal film, I think everyone should see it. I don't know how many towns across America its going to wind up in though. Its probably the most sexually explicit mainstream film that I've seen in my life. A narrative film with actual, reoccurring penetration. Amazing stories. So good. Also, saw Little Children a couple of weeks ago. Another highly reccomended film. So much out that I want to see right now... Volver, Science of Sleep, the list could go on for days. Hopefully I'm going to see Marie Antoinette tonight.

Saw Goldfrapp the other night as well. That was supposed to be the night that I finally got to meet pixiemanson. Never happened, though. I didn't think that the Roseland Ballroom would be that large or that there would be that many people there for Goldfrapp. I could not for the life of me find her, though. As for Goldfrapp... I get it, I really do. Its Black Cherry x a million. Its an explosion of dance, its a whole new world created by Alison, complete with abstract, occassionally frightening cover sleeves. Their live show is a fucking circus now, though. Her voice is still beautiful, their production is still sleek and alluring, but the songs are disposable garbage save "Oh La La" and "Satin Chic". The new b-side is great, too. But overall, the album is pretty mediocre. I've seen them live every tour and I understand the need for a band to evolve, but I yearn for those first couple of small shows in LA at the El Rey or the Knitting Factory, where their success wasn't hinging on image. You could've taken away the beautiful Miss Goldfrapp and put a 500 lb., beaten-in-the-face-with-a-shovel woman in her place and if she could sing like that, with interesting songs like that, it wouldn't make a lick. But now, I feel it hinges on her image as an other worldly sex goddess with oddly dressed back-up dancers and no shame. No thanks.

I did get to meet Amy Sedaris at a book signing in Union Square. She taught some crafts, which like her are unusual and totally fucking hilarious. Her book is a real must have. I've already made like three things out of the recipes and they were so damn good. She was really funny. When she took my book to sign it, she said, "I'm gonna write something sexy in here." And she wrote "Tyler, Pee on me. Amy Sedaris." I love her.

So far, living in NY has mostly meant that I get to meet famous people that I love on a weekly basis. Speaking of which, I get to go to the only US Cardigans show slated for this entire year on Halloween night. That should be really fun.

In The Stills camp, I got to see them and hang out when I went home to San Diego several weeks ago. I just discovered an unreleased track with Land of Talk and The Stills called "Monsoon". Everyone should Google that song until they find a download. Its better than 10 of those songs on Without Feathers. Tim emailed me today. Hopefully he's guestlisting me for the Bowery Ballroom shows in December. That'll be four shows in one tour. I feel like I'm 16 again, chasing Garbage around the greater Southwest area. The only difference is the shows are free for me, I don't have to wait in line for hours and I get to get drunk with everyone in the band afterward.

Life is seemingly shallow but good here, mostly. I'm gonna go pick up some brunch now and some books and a couple of new Criterions. I want to go to the market so I can make zucchinni fritters tonight.
2 loaded phrases| infiltrate my skull

what's a wolf without a pack? [01 Oct 2006|01:16pm]
I'm feeling really, really nostalgic this morning.

Mostly, I just keep wondering where my idealism went. I really miss being at home and sitting on the internet for hours, learning nothing in particular, accomplishing nothing but daydreaming about things I could be doing.

Also, I really miss plopping down in front of the tv and having an incredible appetite for classic film. Mostly, I watch really bad tv lately and when I do watch a movie at home, I swear, I pick the most watered down things that I've already seen that I don't have to focus on. I feel like my cinephile tendencies have suffered from a bit from lack of nurturing.

I guess I feel like lately, I just don't dream enough anymore. I feel like my idealism has faced too many challenges in the past year or so.
2 loaded phrases| infiltrate my skull

and don't you feel like coming home? [30 Sep 2006|03:06pm]
I am home for the week. Its only been a month and a half, but its strange how quickly things feel they have changed when you're not exposed to them on a daily basis. Its nice to be home and see my family and to have a dishwasher and central air. I miss home. But I also love New York, especially Brooklyn.

I get to see all of my friends soon! And Shelly is going to cut my hair! I feel so filthy. I haven't showered properly in about a week and a half because of the hole in my leg. I take very abbreviated showers which are more care-focused than relaxing. Also, I get to see my boys, The Stills for two days o' fun on the 2nd and 3rd.

Finally got off of my ass this morning and did some job research. I emailed Criterion again and inquired with Starbucks about job oppurtunities in the ever-expanding Starbucks Entertainment sector. I would love to stay with Starbucks in Hear Music or the new film marketing department, but I worry since that department just relocated from Seattle to Los Angeles. I'd love to live in Seattle. Los Angeles in nice beause it's familiar and close to home, but I also don't think I can handle living in most parts of LA. We'll see. Its all very, very preliminary, but I'm glad I was randomly inspired to get up and shoot out some emails this morning, as I have been in a bit of a quiet, emotional rut since the whirl of moving cross country has settled and I was laid up for days thinking about why I don't have the will to do anything.

Whatever the case, I can say with all certainty that 1)California has unrivaled Mexican food and I most certainly miss it 2)I'm pretty in love with Emily Haines; her album slays me beyond words 3)paying rent and utilities really sucks when you've become accustomed to large amounts of disposable income for years on end 3)Brooklyn is a wonderful place but 4)there's really no place like home.
infiltrate my skull

what if what it was it isn't now? [23 Sep 2006|09:19pm]
I have spent the last several days willing my left leg out of entropy. So I had these markings on my upper thigh that were presumably infected bug bites. One had gotten noticably bigger since this last week; on Tuesday evening, it was fully affecting my walking. I practically limped to Manhattan on little sleep at 11pm to see Emily Haines. By Wednesday, I was shot. I went to a meeting and by the end of it, ended up taking the bus home, pretty much crying the whole way because it hurt so bad. When I got home, Kaitlin got a car and took me to the ER at the Methodist Hospital by our house where I waited in pain for three hours before I had a large chunk of flesh cut from my leg. Seriously. I was crying and thrashing. Even on two percocets and two stabs of whatever the fuck was numbing my leg, I screamed for at least 10 minutes scaring the shit out of Kaitlin and everyone else in that room, I'm sure. Turns out that they had to cut an abcess off of my leg (it looked like a tumor). Basically I got some sort of staff (staph?) bacteria in a hair follicle/pore and it got infected really, really bad.

I've been home pretty much for two days now, barely moving, hopped up on Ultracet. On Thursday, I could not walk. Its better now. I went back to the ER today to have the pack of gauze removed from the hole in my flesh, and I actually saw where all the blood and puss had drained from: this hole (literally. not a cut or gash, a HOLE, no exaggeration) about the size of a quarter, maybe a little more than 1/4 inch deep, covered in dry puss and blood.

This has been the most painful, mortifying experience of my entire life, for sure. Brooklyn ERs are a joke. At home, you have to wait, but definitely not as long as I waited. Its a sick joke. I'm recovering now. It hurts to walk, but I can do it now, and I have to go to my new primary on Monday to get a referral to see a surgeon (hopefully Tuesday) so I can get all of the skin hacked away from the hole when it gets more closure.

Anyway, thought everyone would want to know about that. I will definitely need this committed to memory in the case that I think I may be in pain ever again in my life. This entry should serve as a reminder that I was pretty much bled to death and I'm working on coming out the other side of it.

Some more exciting things that came before! I met Tim Gunn and a ton of Project Runway Season 2 designers in SoHo last weekend. Alison from this season shot the breeze with me a bit. I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with her.

Speaking of love, I also, as mentioned, saw Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton play in support of her solo record, and possibly my favorite album of this year, Knives Don't Have Your Back. Seriously. Go out and get this shit. Its essential to everyone that may be reading this journal. Her voice is great. She is beautiful. The lyrics are genuine, and raw, and heartfelt, and distinctively her. Its a very different experience than a Metric show, but its so wonderful in a completely different way. They played the entire album in the tracklisting order. And there were Guy Madden images on the screen the whole time that complimented the music perfectly. Also, Joe's Pub is officially my favorite venue in New York so far. All in all, a great, great night.

Also, because I haven't gotten around to it, let me introduce you all to my newest roommate (I got her a week ago tomorrow), my second daughter, the girl that's kept me sane through the past couple of days that Kaitlin has been away and I have been compltely tied to my bed or sofa, ladies and gentlemen, meet Stella:



She is a 10 month old Chihuahua Pomeranian who was rescued from a kill shelter and adopted out to me by one Mr. Sean Casey, who runs perhaps the best animal shelter in all of Brooklyn. She's so freaking adorable and playful and pretty well-behaved (she's a food beggar, that's my only complaint), and she's already housebroken! Can you believe someone would give up such a wonderful dog?!

Anyway, it was hard to live without a dog. She'll never replace my little Jackie O. but I love her.
6 loaded phrases| infiltrate my skull

if you lived here, you'd be home now. [14 Sep 2006|10:44pm]
So I've lived in New York for one whole month now.

I've seen Sarah Jessica Parker up close and personal and schmoozed with Pete Yorn. Saturday, I'm going to meet some Project Runway 2 alumni and Tim Gunn. I feel like celebrities are more accessible here.

I have my own apartment, and I love it. We need a coffee table and some art in the living room, but mostly, its just fabulous.

Probably I'm getting a dog here soon. I was two seconds away from getting a shelter dog, but she was snatched out from under me. I miss little Jackie O.

Oh, one of my favorite things about living in New York? Different foods from all over the world for every meal. I had falafel delivered to my door in under 20 minutes tonight. The BEST restaurant so far was last night's visit to Applewood, right near our apartment. It's charming, the help is painfully nice and well-versed, they have the most amazing bluefish dish and chocolate cake to die for. Oh, and celery root frite!

Work is boring. My store opening has been pushed back for the fourth time yesterday and I usually do nothing at other people's stores. Really. I sit there sometimes and stare at the wall. Maybe one day I'll actually work again.

And, may I add... Project Runway is really heating up. I'm so glad Laura won. When they brought back Angela and Vincent I had to turn it off for a little bit cos it made me kind of sick. All's well that ends well, though, and I'm glad Kayne was finally kicked off. Talk about tacky fucking mctack. Also, though I really like Uli, she's become quite the one trick pony. And Jeffery has had his moments but he is overall too unsophisticated for some of these challenges. He makes all recovering alcoholics look scuzzy. So hopefully Top Three is Laura, Michael, and Uli.

I feel like I should have more to report. I'm kind of sleepy now, though.
2 loaded phrases| infiltrate my skull

changes are no good? [13 Aug 2006|10:14am]
Well, well... as drawn out as this may have appeared in livejournal world, considering the length of time I've known about it, I am finally moving out of my childhood home today. It is, most definitely, bittersweet.

I was waiting for when it would actually hit me. When I left my store for the last time, when I saw friends for the last time, I was waiting for some awful rush of emotion, but it never really came. I feel like its happening a little right now. I woke up this morning and it was very last-episode-of-Six-Feet-Under, when Claire wakes up and she has to move. I'm going to miss work, friends, etc, but for me, having such a great family that I love and have lived with my whole life, that's the really difficult part to walk away from. I know I'm not dying or anything insane, I'll still see them, but the dynamic most definitely will change... it's going to be different and difficult for the first time in my life. I'm lucky to have my family. My dad (and possibly mom) are coming out in a couple of weeks to help me set up a Sharp Aquos LCD tv (I'm really fucking spoilt, I know it). I think my older brother is coming out in the next month or two. So I'll see them, and soon, but its going to be so bizarre to have them removed from my day to day life.

The other weird part, is that this feels quite finite here. San Diego... I dunno, its fucked to leave it as much as I am really tired of it. I know it so well... the settled feeling I get when I see it whenever I'm returning to it by plane as I land... its home, and it will always be home. But, and this is all open-ended, I don't feel like I'll ever live here again in my life. I have school soon, and a year lease, but if I can, I'm staying there, because I love it, and there's a lot more oppurtunity for independent film out there. Plus, my dad is retiring soon, and my parents are talking about buying a home in Hawaii. And who knows, my little brother is getting his fucking pilot's license and since Nokia is closing here, Chad is going to open some business, who knows where. I dunno how much San Diego will mean to me in the next year or two, which is quite unfathomable to me at this point.


Outside of major life changes, I made Amy Sedaris cupcakes last night and they're amazing amazing amazing. Man, they're fucking good. Also, I spent the better portion of this morning frantically trying to get sold out tickets to the Emily Haines solo show at Joe's Pub next month to no avail yet. I hope that works out.

Anyway, next time I post in here, I'll be living in New York. Crazy.
1 loaded phrase| infiltrate my skull

too many alsos [08 Aug 2006|10:47am]
[ mood | snuggly ]

“I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, ‘Hi.’ They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.” — Augusten Burroughs, Running with Scissors

That quote was a Starbucks "as I see it" quote on the side of a cup. I love that.


Also, also, there's so much going on. Celebrations of my departure abound and I find myself waking up in different houses of friends every morning. Usually with a dry mouth and a pounding head. I digress, mostly because celebrations are most definitely in order.

Also, I have really, really great friends and they've been so sweet. My store got me a $100 giftcard to Macy's. I don't really shop at Macy's, but I've been perusing online and there's tons of household things I need which I can get with it, so good thinking store! That was really nice of them. Also, I've been getting lots of really other great presents. My DM got me a Netflix subscription which will be nice considering how much I spend on buying movies that I typically don't rewatch. Some of my long term customers brought me things... I've gotten several books and lots of other stuff. The point is, I am thinking about moving away more often because you really hit the jackpot with presents. Its like Christmas.

Also, also, also, I booked my flight for Sunday so if anyone wants hang out and get fucked up anytime between now and then, I am, most definitely up for it.

infiltrate my skull

your life's colors, black and light black. [26 Jul 2006|11:33am]
Packing your entire life up into boxes is a confusing, daunting task. On top of heat and unbearable amounts of shit, accidentally stumbling onto old things you've written can be both embarassing and heartbreaking and funny all at once. Its funny how much less romantic and idealistic I've become. I've always understood what The Stills meant when they said, "logic will break your heart," about that time, around your early 20s when your idealism is replaced with the realities of life, but I don't think I've felt it as much as I have this morning.

I'm totally one of those people that concentrates on learning from my past and needs my "relationship rearview mirrors" because I'm such a fucking dweller. But man, reading these letters back and forth from friends in high school, I realize how adult I am. I've held onto myself, the things and experiences that have made me my charming, foul-mouthed, fun self, but no way have I felt things (and articulated them in such an intense way), as I have in these notes. I realize now even more how paifully aware of my environment I always was, and how well I've always written and articulated. It breaks my heart a bit to read these things, though, because I can't help but wonder if these were the most intellectually fertile times of my life. It's too early to think that, but I haven't felt as equally parts desperate and happy as I know I was when these things were written.

Turning around aside, I am fucking knackered. I haven't updated in ages, but suffice is to say, Kaitlin and I got a great place that we really like in Park Slope, Brooklyn, and we fly out there on August 10th. The trip back was nice. it was fucking hot as all get out, and really, really humid and the task of finding an apartment was monumentally daunting, but fruitful. And really, really expensive. I did manage to get drunk a handful of times, meet my really, really great gay Jew boss, who I love love love, and I got to see The Stills on Coney Island and got guest listed at this really great bar in the West Village where Tim and Olivier were DJing. I love those guys. They're so gracious with me, I really don't understand it. It wwas so funny, they got so excited and confused to see me on the wrong coast.

Other than that, I've been home for a week now, working non-stop and masturbating furiously when not packing my life into cardboard and rationalizing moving papers from my past that I found and somehow, now, can't live without.

Whatever the case, things, they are achanging for me, and I'm really, really terribly excited.

PS, I am in LOVE LOVE LOVE with Django Reinhardt, The Clash, and the B-52's. Oh summer.
2 loaded phrases| infiltrate my skull

i got an agent in rome. shit, i got a gallery in new york. [01 Jul 2006|09:49am]
I've been goinggoinggoing for the past week. I was in Vegas for three days, came home for two to work, then went to LA for a work conference for the past two days. I'm finally home, at least for a week or so, before I have to go and find a place to live in New York. Three states in three weeks. I feel like I'm on one long flight with lots of layovers. I'm fucking exhausted but I've gotten several books that I've been meaning to read out of the way. Road trips are fun when you don't have to drive. And when you sell your car, you never have to drive. Its fucking awesome.

So Vegas was really fucking fun... we stayed at Hooters, which I initially had strong reservations against, but it was totally totally rad there as the larger hotels get a bit overwhelming and there, it was easy to find people I was with when I didn't know where they were. Also, they had a really great pool and a great bar with the World Cup playing in the mornings.

LA was actually really fun. I always want to stab my eyes out before these kinds of work events but all of the speakers turned out to be really inspirational and spiritually nurturing. The thing I love about Starbucks, especially in the two years that I've been running my own store (fuck, this is my fifth goddamn year for a job that was going to be my after college class job), is that upper leadership focuses primarily on nurturing you as a person and empowering you to make decisions based on what you feel to be right in your heart. I hope that as Starbucks becomes less my focus and more just my job as I move out to school, that I don't lose that in my move. I know that the culture is different in NY, but quite frankly, my quick success in Starbucks can be attributed to simply my relationship building skills and vulnerability and integrity, things that aren't necessarily typical business success drivers. The stores I've visited out there as a customer have been really, really shitty compared to what I know and I hope that doesn't break my spirits about the company.

In LA, I also got really fucking drunk and was approached by Thomas, one of my old co-workers/close friends that I had a really huge fucking falling out with maybe 4 years ago. We ended up hanging out and talking until about 1:30am, which is an incredible mind-fuck. But I'm really glad that happened. I feel like a lot of closure is coming my way soon, which is terrifying and refreshing because I feel like I'm pressing reset on my life here in a couple of months.

I bought a 4 shot Lomo the other day. I need to buy some film today and I think I might go to the Del Mar (San Diego now, right?) Fair with my family as its my last couple of weeks at home. Also, I need to go get those bags that sucks the air out of clothes and shit or I am never going to be able to pack as much clothing as I need tomove with without getting like five semis to move it all. I have SO MUCH TO DO coming up here.


Also, don't play WordWomp on pogo.com. Its embarassingly addicting and quite sad. Also, I have been making tons of playlists lately, which makes me feel like I'm wasting my time, but really, it makes driving easier. Ah. We never change, do we?
infiltrate my skull

can you please release me? [22 Jun 2006|07:43pm]
So I feel like I can breathe a bit easier. I am in fact HIV- and did not test positive for herpes. I'm still not sure exactly what it is I have... I must take another blood test soon and the "sample" (re: the stick they jammed into my urethra) was not enough to do my ghonnorea test. So its either the syph or the ghon at this point, and either way, I am THRILLED beyond belief because that means it will go away and mostly, because I currently don't have any side effects (ie pain pain pain while urinating).


Truth be told, I'm a bit, uhm, I don't want to oversell this emotion here, but TERRIFIED of ever having my skin touch anyone else ever again. Safe sex is not enough. We need raincoats to fuck. Hopefully, like the first real hangover you ever have, this terror will be fleeting and I can once again commit debauchery.

I did want to comment that I am absolutely crazy for MSTRKRFT and in particular, his version of Metric's "Monster Hospital". Its really fucking delightful. Also, I really like Dangerous Muse right now. Lots of celebratory techno this week.

Just got home from seeing An Inconvenient Truth today, fucking finally, after several failed attempts. It was pretty much exactly the book in film form. I appreciate it, its an important issue and I am really glad that this book and film are out there.

Also, I'm pretty close to being done with Anderson Cooper's memoir and it is perhaps the most important thing that I think I've read in several years. I also watched the exclusive Angelina Jolie interview with AC the other night and although the NY Times panned it today, I think that the pessimists and naysayers should shut their fucking mouths. I loved that the interview was centered almost exclusively around her work with the UN and refugees and all of her past antics aside (who doesn't have a fucking weird phase?), despite her scandalous celebrity around one Mr. Pitt, she is intelligent and articulate and genuine about this cause. Donating 1/3 of all of your income and financing all of your expenses with your work, that's commitment to your cause regardless of how big your income is. The images in that exclusive, the sheer weight of helplessness and all that is without words terrible in the world... it makes me feel ashamed of my society, the way I am, the way there is always want of more when some people are subjected to starvation, rape, mutilation, and torture, homelessness. There is so much we take for granted and when you remember that, it makes you feel really small.

Anyway, the days are drawing closer and closer for me in California. I'm already starting to miss so much, especially my store. I've built that motherfucker from the bottom up, but even the hard days were worth it. I'm really proud of everything I've done, and I think that was fully realized when I was recognized literally in front of 400 other stores for managing the tightest financials. I'm going to miss my partners. My crew is completely hand-picked and so close. I really do believe that you get what you put into this company, regardless of shitty circumstance. I'm tired of people that bitch and bitch and don't speak up, don't offer your ideas and keep an open mind to others. Success is picking people and building relationships in business. That's the foundation of most things, isn't it? Either way, my days are literally numbered and its starting to get sad to go in.
infiltrate my skull

with fists that are ready for more [14 Jun 2006|07:29am]
As admittedly strong as Bush's news conference is sounding this morning -he is more self-assured and poised and less stumbling than I have seen him in ages, if you're listening to what he's actually saying, his policies and ideas are still fucking idiotic.

I still don't understand how he can so boldly sidestep why it is we're in this muff-up in the first place. There was a fantastic editorial in the Times last week about how Republicans, and especially this administration uses a "boogeyman" to intimidate voters. Although this administration had a perfect boogeyman in Bin Laden, they chose Hussein to scare this country into war with. There's all this terror terror terror. The editorial alluded to the administrations grasping at straws to create another boogeyman in social issues to regain confidence in the American people and how they were choosing to go after gay marriage to scare Americans (this was the day that gay marriage ban was in front of congress) and how there's so much to worry about in the world right now, she didn't see why villifying two old men that want to get married in Vermont was such a priority.

As for Iraq, his defense of violence as an essential element in the war is understandable but barely stomachable. I agree with him that if we pull out from Iraq at this point, there will probably be strong reprecussions with as much as a boiling pot of violence and radical behavior and hate there is for America over there right now. He keeps screaming optimism, but does he fucking remember at all why its such a mess over there right now? Why is America so fucking insistent that our way is the best? Did we really need to help them establish a democracy? He swears that they all want us to be there, that they all want change, but I don't think that its just radical groups fighting us over there, resisting us... our Marines are fucking massacring and beheading children over in Haditha for fuckssake and we're wondering why there's such a resistance to our occupation.

He also laughs off Republicans losing control of the House and Senate and refuses to put a timeframe on the restructuring of Iraq and American withdrawl. People respond to boundaries and time limits and with no end in sight for this bullshit, I don't understand how he can win back any approval from America.
infiltrate my skull

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